NAMES

People have names with meanings.. everyone has one, some has few...

I have a lot.. 

the original one, from my dad, 锐桦．he tole me once the meaning of my name.. he say  hope someday i will become like the 桦树，a tree that is very huge and protect people who take shelter from it.. well, i've been proud to have that name for years.. untill few months ago, i checked up about 桦 online. it's birch in e

nglish. i expected huge trunks with branches that stretched to afar, foliages that cover the whole sky and sun light filtered throught the leaves and dappled on ground.. he told me the tree is so huge that it needs ten 

adults to hug its trunk.

well, what i saw is thin, tiny branches, thin, weak,loomy,  dunno how to describe ah..

anyway, i feel sad.. why would he tell me that it is a huge tree?? i noe it is quite stupedios to be sad just for a name.. actually, i cherised every thing that he gave me.. especially my name, it is the stories that he told me that i hold on to when i go up.. sometimes when i think of my name, i am very proud.. think of his expectations of me, think of what he wanted me to become. but now, it just vanished. just like he vanished in my life. memories faded, his influence on the family is gone, no property left, even the words that he said is forgotten.. people say he will not leave u as long as he is in ur heart. damn right, he is not there anymore. i cant feel it. so i believe time can heal any wound. whether it was covered up or people dont want to lay a sight on it. we move on. and we live. 

then, come other nick names...

ah dan.. or  pei dan.. it resembles another period of my life too.. happy, naive. but it is a pain to me now.is is not that kind of pain that u have that u regret or sth else.. just the kind of pain that u realised u will nvr be the same ah dan anymore. time passed and things changed. i always think about life that i used to have. it is so beautiful that i thought growing up will not affect my life at all. i missed the fun, the laughter, the friends, the moments... 

now, i am sarsi... it means pressures. i having happy moments too.. but most of it is problems, a little bit failure, depressed. but i am freely myself. i do things that i want. say things that i like. although to do the things i want or i thought i wanted cost me a lot. but until now, i realized i've always have no idea of what i want. but still, i am moving..